Written after reading that Lindsay Lohan discovered she was “a highly sexual person” whilst hiding in a quiet white room for 30 days during a stay in rehab.
[8 May 2007]
LORD LAIDLAW LAID LOW
Millionaire Conservative donor Lord Lord Laidlaw has declined to set a date when he will end his tax exile and failed to comply with a condition for a peerage set three years ago. The Borkowski poet in residence took this as a perfect opportunity for a tongue twister…
[19 Apr 2007]
IF WILLIAM HAD MARRIED KATE MIDDLETON
“Caring Kate Middleton acted like a new mum to Prince William…” The Sun, Monday, April 16
[16 Apr 2007]
DULCE ET DECORUM EST PECUNIAM A PATRIA ACCIPERE
It is good and proper to accept money from your country.
The Borkowski poet in residence on the British hostages in Iran selling their stories on release.
[12 Apr 2007]
CELEBRITY THERAPY
The Borkowski poet in residence considers the relationship between celebrities and pain in the wake of Halle Berry telling America's Parade magazine recently that she had contemplated suicide after her first marriage imploded.
[30 Mar 2007]
CELEBRITY WORLD
The Borkowski poet in residence takes a scathing look at the world of celebrity and its knock on effects
[27 Mar 2007]
IT'S JUST NOT CRICKET
Written after Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff was dropped as vice-captain of England’s World Cup cricket team for falling drunk from a pedalo boat whilst celebrating by cricket authorities whose memories clearly don't extend as far back as the 1980s and Ian Botham.
[19 Mar 2007]
COME PRAY WITH ME PLEASE MR PAISLEY
“Tony Blair has forged a special bond with the Rev Ian Paisley, the DUP leader who holds the future of the Northern Ireland peace process in his hands, by discussing their common interest in and commitment to Christianity… "Blair is brilliant at seducing Paisley," Lord Bew said. "This is the most amazing love affair, the last great Blairite romance. They are even exchanging books on religion. It is fantastic stuff. It is religious; it is romantic. It is brilliant." The Guardian, Wednesday, March 14
The Borkowski poet in residence imagines what the Prime Minister might have said to Paisley.
[14 Mar 2007]
MOSES SUPPOSES
The Borkowski poet in residence on the crisis engulfing broadcasters including ITV, Channel 4 and Channel Five over premium-rate interactive services.
[9 Mar 2007]
TEXT AN IMMIGRANT
The Borkowski poet in residence takes at look at headline-grabbing policymaking n the light of John Reid’s plans to introduce a text messaging scheme for potential visa overstayers.
[7 Mar 2007]
THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN COOL PRIME MINISTER
Tony Blair is still clearly considering his place in history. The Borkowski poet in residence wonders if he might not be better placed in a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta...
[6 Mar 2007]
THE FAT OF THE LAND
Prince Charles was overheard on Tuesday suggesting that McDonalds should be banned. It later came out that his Duchy Original Cornish Pasties were fattier, saltier and generally less healthy than a Big Mac. The Borkowski poet in residence considers what Charles might be thinking.
[1 Mar 2007]
DEATH TO ALL SATIRISTS
The Borkowski poet in residence imagines what might really be going on in some Labour MPs' minds after Peter Hain's furious reaction to satirist Rory Bremner’s hoax phone call to Margaret Beckett in 2005, in which he pretended to be Gordon Brown and got her to gossip about cabinet colleagues.
In the aftermath of Anna Nicole Smith’s untimely death and the media frenzy over Britney Spears’ apparent inability to cope with fame and its consequences, the Borkowski poet in residence offers these words of advice for any starlet living on the edge…
To read Mark Borkowski's take on the same subject, click here.
[20 Feb 2007]
LIGHTER THAN AIR
Troubled pop starlet Britney Spears took reinvention to an extreme this weekend, shaving her head to the scalp days after reportedly checking in and out of rehab, sparking media speculation that she is nearing a breakdown.
[20 Feb 2007]
SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS
Robbie Williams checked himself into a rehab clinic on Tuesday. Last night, a reformed Take That won Best Single at the Brit Awards.
[15 Feb 2007]
THE PLASTIC DEATH OF PLASTIC GIRL
The Borkowski poet in residence remembers Anna Nicole Smith
[14 Feb 2007]
DON'T BOGART THAT GOVERNMENT
David Cameron allegedly smoked cannabis at Eton 25 years ago. The Borkowski poet in residence wonders how this revelation may change his approach to reaching power.
“This is a challenge and an opportunity for David Cameron. He is young, he is an ironic idealist, he still has his hair… he could make the Conservative Party seem new and radical… Perhaps the Tories can become the party of our “generation of change”. It would not be a bad idea.” William Rees-Mogg, The Times, February 12
[12 Feb 2007]
CELEBRITY VENN
Kylie Minogue and Olivier Martinez have split amid rumours he had been unfaithful. Olivier has been linked to a series of other women throughout the couple’s four-year relationship. The Borkowski poet in residence takes a look, from a male perspective, at how this sort of behaviour can help consolidate fame.
[6 Feb 2007]
A BAD CASE OF DRY ROT
The Borkowski poet in residence asked a builder his opinion of one of the major topics of the day and wrote this as a result…
[2 Feb 2007]
CASH FOR HONOURS
“Tony Blair's chief fundraiser and confidant Lord Levy was arrested for a second time yesterday on suspicion of perverting the course of justice over his role in the cash for honours affair.” The Guardian, Wednesday, January 31
[1 Feb 2007]
GRACE UNDER PRESSURE
Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty won Celebrity Big Brother last night. The Borkowski poet in residence celebrates her victory.
[29 Jan 2007]
JENNIFER, JENNIFER
Jennifer Aniston has recently begun walking around her Los Angeles mansion in a deep sleep and then waking up confused and bewildered. Friends of Jennifer, 37, believe she has started sleepwalking because of stress in her personal life. The Borkowski poet in residence begs to differ.
[22 Jan 2007]
BIG BROTHER'S LITTLE RACE ROW
The Borkowski poet in residence takes a look at the aftermath of the racism/bullying hoo-ha surrounding Celebrity Big Brother.
[19 Jan 2007]
BIG BROTHER SOUP
The Borkowski poet in residence comes over all Jamie Oliver after watching more Celebrity Big Brother than anyone should have to cope with.
[16 Jan 2007]
THE INT'RESTING GAME
The Borkowski poet in residence managed to tease an interview out of David Beckham on the announcement of his move to Los Angeles Galaxy for a quarter of a billion dollars.
[12 Jan 2007]
VULTURE NATION
“Good photographers who have been thrown out by newspapers in cost cutting exercises now find themselves trudging celebrity land, like bounty hunters in search of prey. They are on the street, eating what they kill. Certain papers will publicly claim that they allow privacy, but they’re all hungry for front-page pictures… Even if the UK papers say they will allow privacy, they may decide to publish pictures that have already been shown abroad. If… people understood the pressures, perhaps they might take a stance on whether they would buy a paper that procured pictures in an underhand way. But I doubt it. We are all like those old women knitting by the guillotine.” Mark Borkowski, Mark My Words, January 5 2007
NB Kettle and venue are collective nouns for vultures.
[8 Jan 2007]
BRITNEY DE MILO
Britney Spears is commissioning a nude portrait of herself. She has finally got back in shape following the birth of her second son, Jayden James, and is so proud of her figure she wants it “immortalised” in a painting.
[5 Jan 2007]
THIS IS HOW THE OLD YEAR DIES
A New Year poem by the Borkowski poet in residence
[2 Jan 2007]
I'M SURE I CAN LEARN FROM LEMBIT
"Yesterday the Liberal Democrats cemented their reputation as a party struggling to be taken seriously after Lembit Opik, MP announced that he had split with his television weather forecaster fiancee and was dating one half of the kitsch pop duo the Cheeky Girls." The Guardian, 18/12/06.
The Borkowski poet in residence considers what Tony Blair might make of this, given his current desire to bury bad news…
[18 Dec 2006]
THIS IS WHAT I DO
The Bishop of Southwark faced his congregation recently sporting a black eye after admitting that he could not remember being "mugged" following a drinks reception at the Irish embassy. Witnesses, however, say he clambered into a stranger's Mercedes and started throwing toys on to the road. When asked what he was doing by the car’s owner, the Bishop replied: "I'm the Bishop of Southwark, it's what I do."
[18 Dec 2006]
DOWNING STREET SPIN
“Tony Blair yesterday became the first serving prime minister to be interviewed as part of a criminal investigation when Scotland Yard officers running the "cash for peerages" inquiry questioned him for two hours in Downing Street... They stressed they had not chosen the timing of the interview with Mr Blair, leaving No 10 open to the charge that its officials had hoped to dampen the explosive impact of Mr Blair's interview in the cacophany of other events.” The Guardian, 15/12/06
[15 Dec 2006]
ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER POP BAND
“Just when we thought we'd waved goodbye to the denim-clad ghost of the 1990s boyband phenomenon, Take That have begun their second ascent to pop stardom… But comebacks are not always so smooth. Ask All Saints. Just a few weeks in, the reunion of the whinging foursome is already being talked about as a flop: their first album in six years, Studio 1, entered the charts at No 41 last weekend.” Independent on Sunday, December 3rd 2006
[5 Dec 2006]
CAMEO & SUPERCAMEO
Elton John has lost out on a part in the next Superman movie after being outbid at an auction. The singer’s offer of £40,000 was topped by British business tycoon Sir Philip Green - the owner of high-street fashion giant TopShop - who paid £50,000 for the cameo role for his wife Tina.
[1 Dec 2006]
IN HELL
“In hell, nothing you have done will not be watched.” From Household Gods by Anne Stevenson.
[28 Nov 2006]
ONE MORE TIME
“The new Britney Spears soap opera, centered on her marital problems, seems to be holding its own against the real news agenda... such was the perfection of the strike against Spears’ wayward spouse Kevin Federline, it managed to generate ink even when the global news agenda had more momentous things to consider.” Mark Borkowski, Stuntwatch, November 13
[24 Nov 2006]
IF BOOKS WERE CHOCOLATES
As publishers, desperate to recreate the massive sales of Jordan’s volume of autobiography, continue to flood the market with poor-selling celebrity hagiographies, the Borkowski poet in residence tries to get inside the mind of the audience they seem to be targeting.
[21 Nov 2006]
AN ENGLISHMAN'S CAR IS HIS CASTLE
Ken Livingstone intends to charge 4x4 drivers £25 a day to drive through London if he is re-elected as mayor. The Borkowski poet in residence takes a wry look at the phenomenon of the 4x4.
[17 Nov 2006]
BLACKMAIL
Britney Spears’ estranged husband Kevin Federline is reportedly threatening to sell a homemade sex video of the pair unless he receives £16 million and custody of their children. Kevin has allegedly vowed to sell the explicit four-hour tape to a company who want to post it on the internet unless Britney agrees to his demands.
[14 Nov 2006]
THE BLISS ADDICTS
Words of warning from the Borkowski poet in residence to anyone not wishing to make the same mistakes as Paul McCartney, Britney Spears or Robbie Williams, all of whom have mistaken brief, random bliss for something lasting or satisfying.
[10 Nov 2006]
ELECTIONEERING
Is it a coincidence that the verdict and sentencing to death of Saddam Hussein have arrived two days before the pivotal U.S. Congressional Elections? The Borkowski poet in residence wonders what George W. Bush might be thinking…
[7 Nov 2006]
THE FIRST CELEBRITY IN SPACE
Paris Hilton apparently wants to be the first celebrity to go into space. The hotel heiress plans to take her reality TV show The Simple Life into orbit and have cameras filming her as she trains to be the first celebrity astronaut. The Borkowski poet in residence imagines how she might react...
[6 Nov 2006]
GOOD PARENTING
Kate Winslet will “knife” anyone who calls her a bad mother. The actress, who has a five-year-old daughter Mia and two-year-old son Joe, has warned people never to question her parenting skills. “People can throw anything they want at me, and be as mean as they like. But don’t mess with me as a mother, because I will get out a knife and come after you!” she said.
[2 Nov 2006]
THE HOWLING
A celebrity-driven Halloween fantasy by the Borkowski poet in residence.
[31 Oct 2006]
THE HIRST BUBBLE
Brit artist Damien Hirst has been accused of plagiarizing a design by Robert Dixon. The Borkowski poet in residence has suffered similar difficulties…
“The problem is not Damian Hirst's borrowing from others, but his own loss of originality,” Jonathan Jones, The Guardian, Wednesday October 25
[26 Oct 2006]
WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO KNOW
Sir Paul McCartney has furiously refuted allegations by his estranged wife Heather Mills that he was physically abusive towards her. The former Beatle is furious over the claims made by Heather in leaked divorce documents, and has vowed to "vigorously" contest the allegations in court.
[23 Oct 2006]
THE BABY IN THE BASKET
"Whatever Madonna’s original motives were for adopting 13 month old David Banda, from the mission run Home of Hope orphanage in Malawi, are now irrelevant. The backlash has suffocated the original motivation."
[20 Oct 2006]
CHAMELEON BOY
The Madness of Boy George, a documentary following the mercurial ex-front man of Culture Club through his period of community service for drug-related offences, airs on Channel 4 tonight. The Borkowski poet in residence marks the occasion with a poem…
[17 Oct 2006]
DON’T SCOFF AT THE HOFF
The career resurrection of David Hasselhoff continues apace, with last Friday even being declared Hoff Day by Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles. The Borkowski poet in residence just had to join in with the celebrations...
[9 Oct 2006]
THE FORGIVING WORLD OF FASHION
Kate Moss has just been signed up to design clothes for Topshop. Jane Shepherdson, brand director of the chain who turned it into one of the country's top stores, promptly quit. Topshop has denied that the two events are related.
[6 Oct 2006]
GIVE ME WEB CAMERAS OR GIVE ME DEATH
“David Cameron's call yesterday for the Conservative party to build its foundations on the centre ground was badly jolted on the opening day of the Tory conference when he faced a growing grassroots revolt demanding tax cuts.” The Guardian, Monday, October 2
[2 Oct 2006]
CHERIE BLAIR'S MANIFESTO
Cherie Blair is alleged to have been overheard at yesterday’s Labour Party conference branding Gordon Brown a liar.
“…Downing Street went into overdrive to deny that [she] had so contemptuously dismissed the chancellor. Ironically, Mr Brown had been using his speech to effect a public reconciliation with the prime minister, saying he regretted their differences.” The Guardian, Tuesday, September 26.
[26 Sep 2006]
IF BANKSY WERE PRIME MINISTER
A conference season fantasy about the Bristolian graffiti artist from the Borkowski poet in residence, whose will to live has been worn to breaking point whilst watching the political shenanigans and posturing from Brighton and Manchester.
[25 Sep 2006]
SIR MING THE MERCIFUL
"There is no single hurdle ahead for Sir Menzies to jump, just a long slog to clarify and refine what he is aiming for. Yesterday's speech [at the Liberal Democrat conference] saw him move forward and he will be pleased enough with that." Editorial, The Guardian, Friday, September 22nd 2006.
[22 Sep 2006]
THE SCIENTOLOGIST MOUSE'S FIANCEE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS
Katie Holmes is reportedly having doubts about marrying Tom Cruise. She allegedly told a visitor to the isolated Colorado retreat where she has been staying with Suri and Tom's family: "I don't have my own life any more. I'm not comfortable."
[19 Sep 2006]
THE CELEBRITY DEATH REVENGE CLUB
Steve Irwin fans have allegedly been killing stingrays in a series of revenge attacks for his death.
[15 Sep 2006]
TOY BOY OR NOT TOY BOY?
Uma Thurman, 36, recently admitted she was on the look out for a toy boy and it seems 29-year-old Orlando Bloom could fit the bill. She said: "I know women who like to have 'boy toys' - and actually I could grow into that." The Borkowski poet in residence imagines what might be going through her mind...
[12 Sep 2006]
BOWING OUT
A sullen and potentially unstable truce was struck yesterday between Tony Blair and Gordon Brown after the prime minister reluctantly bowed to the demands of the chancellor and rebel MPs by promising to step down within 12 months.
[8 Sep 2006]
SO LONG STEVE IRWIN
'Crocodile Hunter' Steve Irwin has died. The wildlife presenter was filming a documentary off the coast of Australia earlier this week when a stingray attacked him, using its poisonous barb to pierce his chest.
[6 Sep 2006]
HEY YOU GET OFFA MY TANK
Sir Mick Jagger forgot the words to classic Rolling Stones song ‘Ruby Tuesday’ during a concert last week. Mick covered up his memory loss by singing the same verse twice. He also has an oxygen tank backstage to help him get through his grueling live shows.
[31 Aug 2006]
KICKING AGAINST THE PRICKS
In the past, a goad, or prick, was used to jab an ox to encourage it to till the soil. Sometimes the ox would refuse this incentive by kicking out at the prick. As result, the prick would be driven deeper into the flesh of the rebellious animal. In the case of Paramount versus Tom Cruise, it is difficult to decide whom the metaphor should be applied to…
[29 Aug 2006]
BLONDE AMBITION PART 4
Britney Spears – who is currently pregnant with her second child – is reportedly so devoted to her pet pooch Lucky, she wants to follow the example of the ancient Egyptians and be buried with her. She said: “You know how the Pharaohs used to get buried with things they loved? I want to do that with Lucky. She should be laid to rest with me when the time comes.”
[23 Aug 2006]
BLONDE AMBITION PART 3
Madonna believes she can help save the world from an ecological meltdown by using a special Kabbalah water to dispose of nuclear waste. Madonna has previously been quoted as saying: “According to science, we aren’t going to have a planet in about 50 years at the rate we’re going with nuclear waste. I can write the greatest songs, make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world but if there isn’t a world to conquer, what’s the point?”
[23 Aug 2006]
BLONDE AMBITION PART 2
Madonna has caused a furore with a controversial mock crucifixion during her current tour. Last week, Dusseldorf police warned the singer that she could be in breach of their “insulting religious beliefs” law and might face arrest, while numerous religious leaders have condemned the performance as “blasphemous”. For the stunt, Madonna wears a crown of thorns and is hoisted on to a ‘disco cross’. Madonna insists she is doing it to try and raise Aids awareness.
[22 Aug 2006]
BLONDE AMBITION
Paris Hilton recently declared herself to be the new Marilyn Monroe. She said: “There's nobody in the world like me. I think every decade has an iconic blonde - like Marilyn Monroe or Princess Diana - and right now, I'm that icon.” The hotel heiress has bought so many pairs of shoes she doesn’t know what to do with them all, which lead the Borkowski poet in residence to a more appropriate comparison…
[21 Aug 2006]
COME ON MR PRESCOTT
Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott has reopened the war of words with David Cameron over the Government's response to the terrorist threat, accusing the Tory leader of "political point-scoring". Earlier, Mr Prescott found himself embroiled in another row following claims that he had described George Bush's Middle East policy as "crap" and ridiculed the US President as "just a cowboy with his Stetson on".
[18 Aug 2006]
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY
The hotel heiress Paris Hilton recently announced she was giving up sex for a year to concentrate on her career and to make herself a stronger person. Paris has formed a "single girls club" with her friends and they have a bet to see who can last the longest without sex. She said: "I'm not doing it with anyone. I want to concentrate on work. I'll kiss but nothing else."
[17 Aug 2006]
THE BOOZE HOUNDS OF THE EMPTINESS
Robin Williams has checked into rehab to be treated for alcoholism. The 55-year-old actor, known for his heavy drinking in his youth, fell off the wagon after being sober for 20 years. His publicist revealed that Williams had started drinking again and decided to take "proactive measures" to stop himself.
[14 Aug 2006]
CELEBRITY MARKET [8 Aug 2006]
TEQUILA SUNSET
Mel Gibson, whose father is a holocaust denier, has risked career suicide after a drunken anti-semitic outburst after being pulled over for speeding in California.
[4 Aug 2006]
AFTER THE GOLD RUSH after After the Gold Rush by Neil Young
Sir Paul McCartney has issued formal divorce proceedings after his estranged wife Heather Mills rejected a £30 million offer. A source revealed: "In his eyes, they agreed they wanted to make the divorce quick and painless and a settlement was virtually in place. It now appears she wants as much as she can and she has left herself open to suggestions that she is a 'gold digger'."
[1 Aug 2006]
MYSPACE GENERATION
The rise of MySpace is changing the face of the music business. The Borkowski poet in residence, who succumbed to the delights of MySpace recently, celebrates it with a poem.
[28 Jul 2006]
COUNTING TO TEN
England and Manchester United star Wayne Rooney is said to be "devastated" after football memorabilia was stolen from his parents' home last weekend.
[25 Jul 2006]
THE POP STAR after William Blake
Britney Spears has found a new love – tigers. The singer has posted a tribute to the endangered big cats on her official website, in which she says she shares the same “love, lust, danger, warmth and adventure” as the ferocious animals. She writes: “I’m mesmerised by tigers... they almost have a sense of mysteriousness about them.”
[21 Jul 2006]
BREAST IN SHOW
Keira Knightley says she is sick of seeing herself on the front cover of magazines and in ads with digitally blown up breasts. She said: “You’re not actually allowed to be on a magazine cover in the US without at least a C cup because it turns people off.” The Borkowski poet in residence imagines what might be going on in the minds of the magazine editors...
[17 Jul 2006]
WHO LEVIES THE LEVIER?
The cash for peerages scandal paralysing Labour moved perilously close to Tony Blair's door when the Metropolitan police recently arrested Lord Levy, Mr Blair's personal party fundraiser, Middle East envoy and tennis partner.
[14 Jul 2006]
TABLOID DOLLS
Robbie Williams was so worn out by his string of one night stands he had to have a vitamin injection in his bottom, it has been claimed. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton is giving up sex for a year. The Borkowski poet in residence senses a worrying trend developing...
[12 Jul 2006]
DOME AND DOMER
In a bid to achieve clarity in a complicated matter, the Borkowski poet in residence recorded this exclusive interview with John Prescott, regarding his meetings with American billionaire Philip Anschutz, earlier today...
[7 Jul 2006]
MARIAH'S EATING PURPLE FOOD
Mariah Carey will only eat purple food. The pop diva is convinced mauve-coloured foods like red grapes and plums – known for their anti-ageing benefits - will stop her developing wrinkles. The songstress devised the diet with her nutritionist.
[3 Jul 2006]
IF ENGLAND WIN THE WORLD CUP
After Tim Henman's poor show at Wimbledon, the Borkowski poet in residence made this attempt to buoy the England football squad into the semi-finals. Well, better luck in 2010 boys...
[30 Jun 2006]
COME ON TIM
Tim Henman, with typical luck, faces defending champion Roger Federer today at Wimbledon. The Borkowski poet in residence felt he needed some support...
[28 Jun 2006]
SUCKING AT SUCCESS
McFly drummer Harry Judd claims he spent the night with Lindsay Lohan. The British rocker says it happened after he partied with the ‘Mean Girls’ beauty last year. He is quoted as saying: “I did spend the night with her.”
[27 Jun 2006]
WE ARE THE WAGS
The wives and girlfriends (otherwise known as WAGS) of England's football team have set up camp in Germany and are doing their level best to outshine the team's rather boring antics on the football pitch.
"The cliche about footballers' wives dictates that they form the kind of rigid girly hierarchies last seen at the back of the school bus, are manicured on the hour, and can drop the GDP of Ecuador in a two-hour shopping spree." Marina Hyde, The Guardian, Friday, June 23.
[23 Jun 2006]
THE BUTTERFLY THAT BROKE THE WHEEL
Kate Moss will not face charges for possession of cocaine. A £200,000 police investigation has ended in chaos after Britain's Crown Prosecution Service ruled that images showing the supermodel chopping up white powder in a London recording studio last September did not constitute sufficient evidence to prosecute.
[19 Jun 2006]
WHAT MORE CAN I GIVE?
Michael Jackson will not be releasing his long awaited charity single because of an argument over royalties. The pop singer penned 'What More Can I Give' to raise money for the families of the victims of the 9/11 terrorist attacks, but Jackson insists that he owns the copyright of the song and had no intention of donating any of the royalties. The only money to be donated to charity, if the single was released, would be from CD sales.
[16 Jun 2006]
IF YOU LIVE THE HIGH LIFE for David Beckham
David Beckham was left fuming after a German newspaper branded his mum a “peasant”. The England football captain is said to be furious after discovering popular paper Bild attacked his entire family - including his young children - who are staying in Frankfurt for the World Cup.
